Move Into the Country, Gonna Steal Me a Lot of Peaches

The Presidents of the United States of America.... nobody remember them? Oh well....

This week, Peaches Geldof (everyone's favourite errr... what is she again?) found herself in hot water this week when she was questioned by the security guards and management of Oxford Street branch of Urban Outfitters, when she triggered an alarm attatched to a coat she was wearing.

She left the shop in tears after she was accused by security guards of shoplifting. She was hauled up for questioning for 40 minutes during which she broke down, insisted it had been a misunderstanding and claimed she hadn't stolen anything.

"She is utterly devastated, she can't believe this is happening to her. Everybody will thinks she's a criminal."

When questioned last night at her south London home, Peaches appeared adamant that the store's security was to blame - saying she had paid for the coat and that the security tag had mistakenly been left attached to it.

"I paid for it obviously but they left the tag on. It's really nothing," she said.

Yes, I'm sure we can sort what clearly is a misunderstanding and the store will be happy to verify that. I do apologise about this, Miss Geldof.... If you would just show me your receipt for the jacket, this can be all cleared up.... whenever you are ready....

Oxford Street Urban Outfitters... for shame.... treating England's Rose this way.... Kindly explain yourselves at once!

"We could not find a record of her having paid for it and she did not appear to have a receipt. We checked her bags as well,"

Errr...

Sources at the shop claim Miss Geldof had tried to leave without paying for the coat, and was eventually allowed to go after coming to an arrangement over payment. Father Bob, musician, impromptu concert organiser and eternal friend of the poor was unavailable to comment after his answer machine hinted that he was at his holiday home in Spain. He was later pictured on the King's Road looking like Rupert the Bear.

Really, get a mirror for the hall....

Anyway, I'm sure after a good nights sleep, we can all make sense of this silly mishap.

Peaches' friend, the next day felt it was right to speak on her behalf about her ordeal and give us some expert insight into what really happened at the store.

"She thinks her mobile phone could have set off the security alarms."

No, really. Not a time for joking, what happened?

"Peaches is adamant that her phone had something to do with it..."

So, there was no security tag? There was? Confusing us so we will leave you alone? Ok, would you like to tell us the ins and outs of how that is possible?

"...because she has heard that it has happened to some of her friends before."

Right.... Peaches Geldof there with the celebrity version of blaming a living room fart on the family dog.

This is what happens when you surround yourself with "No, you're fantastic...Yes, you're right" people all the time. This is why at The Bookseller to the Stars we all have a general amount of disdain for one another. That way, our judgement is never clouded.

Now she fears that she won't be able to shrug off being known as a thief.

No, not if you have the proof that you paid for the jacket, No.... and I don't mean showing it to us after you were forced to pay for the coat. The friend revealed further exclusive insights to the current state of mind of the criminal genius:

"She is utterly devastated, she can't believe this is happening to her. She has absolutely no need to steal anything from shops because, without being arrogant..."

Honestly, I'm sure you wont be...

"...without being arrogant, she has enough money to buy modestly priced clothing."

Then pay for them then, what, do you need your nanny back to look after you? Two words for you.... Winona Ryder.

"Peaches is beginning to feel that she is being singled out now, it is getting ridiculous. She feels that her reputation has now been permanently tarnished."

Even more so than those awful condescending documentaries?

Yes, that's it. A high street store is launching a vendetta against you, a 17yr old err... again, I have no words to describe her....

Peaches, get off your antique rocking horse, for a moment. We really don't care about you. We are just reporting the facts. Facts that you are trying desperately trying to sweep under the coke mirror.

It's like.... Waaa Waaa, poor little rich girl doesn't get her own way. Please, we haven't heard this one before, have we?

Receipt.... End of Misunderstanding... It doesn't take 40mins of questioning to produce a receipt or realise that a shop assistant hasn't taken off the alarm, does it?

But less of this inane rambling and accusation.... what we need is an expert to set the record straight, once and for all, and perhaps aid Miss Geldof in her quest for the answers to the mysteries of modern technology.

Thomas A. Powers, Ph.D. is currently Chief Research Officer for Siemens Hearing Instruments. Powers received his B.S. from the State University of New York at Geneseo, and his M.A. and Ph.D. in Audiology from Ohio University. His primary areas of expertise include hearing instrument technology, outcome measures and directional microphone technology.

In a recent Q and A for Healthy Hearing, Mr. Powers was asked by a hearing aid user why her hearing aids set off the alarms in Barnes and Noble. Let's see what he has to say:

"While I do acknowledge that the store alarms may have been going off, it is very unlikely that it was due to an interaction with your hearing aids. Security systems used in retail stores typically work with "coded" wireless transmissions."

Really? Tell us more.

"They are looking for a specific code that is in the theft detection tags that are placed in or on various products in the store. This code prevents the security system of one store from picking up transmissions from other wireless devices, it is a "unique" identifier for that system. Otherwise the security system could potentially be picking up all kinds of wireless transmissions resulting in false alarms.

Even if the security system was working at the same wireless frequency of the hearing aids, it would be more likely that the hearing aids would stop working when standing in the middle of the security system detectors than actually setting off the detectors themselves.

The only explanation that we can come up with is that these are very old security systems that are not using a unique code to protect against interference. These older units pick up that there is a wireless transmission and are set off. If this were the case, any mobile phone, pocket radio, wireless car remote or other wireless device would set off the alarm."

So, that would be the BRAND NEW flagship Urban Outfitters on Oxford Street then.

Peaches, if I ever see your mollicoddled, trust funded, sorry ass at The Bookseller to the Stars (not that books are your bag, man), I will have one eye on you and the difference with me and the people you managed to charm on Oxford Street is that I will not hesitate to call the police.

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