The Bookseller to the Stars Vs. Emily Dubberley

My guest on the blog today, very honoured to welcome... author, journalist and one of the leading sexperts in the country, she is also the founder of the website Cliterati and the very wonderful Scarlet Magazine, welcome Miss Emily Dubberley.

Her new book, “The Ex-Factor” is described as follows:

Synopsis: In any relationship, there's one thing you're almost guaranteed to have in common with your partner: exes. In this insightful guidebook, Emily Dubberley identifies all the major issues that can crop up with both your and your partner's exes: jealousy, insecurity and one-upmanship. Is it acceptable to ask a partner to get rid of all souvenirs of previous relationships? Should you try to stay friends with an ex, and if you do how do you handle it when they get a new relationship? And is there ever any good reason to ask your new partner 'Am I better than she was?' Find out what the way your partner treats his exes says for the future of your relationship and learn all the essentials of ex-iquette. If you've ever dated before, and plan to again, you need this book.

Emily also has a new book out through Ann Summers stores on the 1st November and through Amazon called, ‘True Passion: A Tale of Desire as told by Madame B’:

Synopsis: Freshly out of a long term relationship, Katie is a woman on a mission: to experience every kinky thrill that life can offer. Bored by the 'vanilla' sex that she's had before, she decides it's time to experiment. Toys, sex clubs, bondage, group sex, roleplay, and more: she's determined to make all her fantasies come true, no matter how long it takes, and how far it pushes her personal limits. Katie loves her adventures in the sexual playground, learning more about herself with every swish of a crop, stamp on a slave and taste of a woman. But when she meets Alex, a sexy older man who thinks kinky sex is wrong, she faces her greatest challenge yet: to bring him round to her way of thinking.She's drawn to his intellect, his sophistication and his twinkling green eyes, but without changing his mind she knows that any chance of a relationship is doomed. After all, she can't face a life of vanilla sex - can she? Although Alex initially falls for Katie's charms, and seems willing to acquiesce to her desires, she soon realises that everything is not as it seems and faces the ultimate dilemma.

I caught up with Emily this week to talk about all things sexual...

Bookseller to the Stars: I've been in different sorts of relationships, including ones that my partner was extremely insistant and neurotic about having possessions from past relationships, even to the point of the most random photo in a collection of so many others and then also the complete opposite, where my partner actively celebrates, enjoys to hear and has a great, open relationship with the exes that are still in my life as friends. Is it a question of individual sense of self confidence and trust issues in every case or a case of ex-iquette that should be followed?

Emily Dubberley: Generally speaking, it's a case of being confident and trusting each other, as well as communicating any worries. Different people have different jealousy levels so what works for one couple - or one person in a relationship - may not work for the other. One partner may want to hear all about your exes while the other wants to forget all about them. Every relationship is different but as long as you don't snoop, stalk or get obsessively jealous, there's no right or wrong. It's something for you to work out with your partner.

BTTS: Tell us how you get on with your exes. Have you tried to maintain friendships, despite the outcome of the relationship? Is it always good to at least try?

ED: Staying friends with exes depends entirely on why you broke up, if one or both of you is still in love and whether there's actually a basis for friendship there. If a relationship has been based entirely on sex then there may not be a basis for friendship; if you get on well and have lots in common then there's no reason you shouldn't be friends (as long as you'renot using it as an excuse to extend the relationship/win your ex back) I'm friends with some exes and have been quite happy to let others vanish into the ether. But if you can keep things amicable, at the very least, rather than hating your exes then it's a lot less tiring and hard work.

BTTS: Have you ever had a bad experience where you found (upon maintaining the relationship), things have not gone to plan and you have found yourself having to sever the ties, so to speak?

ED: This is a relatively common situation, generally created when it turns out one person is still in love, though it can come from the ex-turned-friend making unreasonable demands. There was one ex I cut ties with because he phoned me up to ask what brand of condoms was his favourite because he was shagging his new girlfriend that night. Although it didn't hurt because I wasn't into him any more, I thought it was utterly crass and didn't want tobe involved in his new relationship!

BTTS: For Scarlet Magazine, you still act as a roving reporter as such, trying out sexy activities. Getting paid to do fun things that give erotic pleasure must be a pretty good job if you can get it. What have been your favourite experiences so far?

ED: It's hard to choose because they're so varied. Going to Pedestal, the femme/domme club was fun, particularly because I wasn't expecting it to be so it came as a pleasant surprise. It felt very safe and was fun being adored all evening. Doing a striptease at the Clapham Grand was a massive buzz, though it took me a couple of hours to come down from the adrenaline rush afterwards, and gave me huge respect for anyone who performs full time. Having my vagina cast was an interesting experience, if rather embarrassingto start with, but I'm happy with the end result.

And I'm really looking forward to being in the Texas Chainsaw Travelling Horror Picture Show starring Dave Vanian from The Damned and Captain Sensible. I'm either going to be a devil girl or a stripping zombie, with full horror make-up. Luckily, both roles are very small so I won't have to learn any lines, but it'll be fun getting involved in a theatrical multimedia production with a load of burlesque performers and rock star types.

BTTS: What's the best piece of advice that you have for men who have problems talking to women/have confidence issues? What activities can they do to help them with their self confidence?

ED: Go out and meet more people. The more female friends you have, the easier you'll find it to relate to women. And doing some sort of physical activity is good too as it boosts endorphins, keeps you fit and improves mood. Generally, remember that women like being approached by men as long as you're not sleazy so there's no need to be scared about approaching them.

BTTS: Tell us about your upcoming projects and the next release, your erotic novel? Is fiction something you would like to do more of?

ED: I've got a fair bit in the pipeline. The Ex Factor is out on 18th Oct. ‘True Passion: A Tale of Desire as Told to Madame B’ comes out in November (no, I didn't choose the title - it was originally called Vanilla) It's a very kinky erotic novella about a 'kinky' woman who meets a 'vanilla' guy, with pretty much every sex act you could imagine. I loved writing it because the characters really did seem to speak (and do all manner of other things) for themselves once I started writing.

I've got a book out next year, Woman on Woman - a guide to lesbian sex for bicurious women. And there are various other books floating around that I've been approached to write over coming months. My book Sex Play has just been turned into a mobile phone application that you can download to play sex games using your phone (well, not actually it - that'd be a tad unsafe - but you can read the games on your phone screen)

And there's all the usual magazine stuff too: agony aunt stuff for Look, reviews and features for Scarlet and various other women's mags, and of course, more Emily-at-Large adventures.

I'd definitely like to write more fiction - and not just erotica (although it is great fun to write) I'd also like to write a chick-lit novel, a sci-fi novel and a 'serious literary' novel at some stage. I'd also like to launch more magazines at some stage. Basically, I just love writing.

BTTS: What advice would you give to women looking to bridge the gap from being curious to initiating their fantasies with other women?

ED: Think carefully about who you choose – making a drunken lunge at your best mate is generally not a good idea. Go to a lesbian club with a mate, if you’ve got the guts. Alternatively, you can use networking sites like Facebook to hunt for people – just put that you’re into men and women in your profile and interested parties are bound to contact you. Do make sure you stay safe though – never arrange to meet a stranger in your localpub or at your house, and don’t give any personal details such as phone number or where you work away. Meet on neutral ground and take things as they come. It’s worth mentioning you’re new to the whole Sapphic world too, so you can take things slowly and feel confident that you can say no at any point without any accusations of leading someone on.

BTTS: What do you think about the stigma about the differences between bisexual men and bisexual women? Why are bi women so socially and politically acceptable and men are not, being that men are so dominant in the world?

ED: It’s for exactly that reason that it’s more accepted. A huge amount of men get off on the idea of watching women together, not least because it’s an incredibly common theme in porn films (and, as I think was said in the TV series Coupling, you get twice the amount of breasts). As such, female bisexuality can be perceived - wrongly – to be about satisfying male desires – something that was only encouraged by the whole Lipstick Lesbian trend.

Male bisexuality, on the other hand, attracts the label of ‘not being manly’(though I’d argue it takes a brave man – or woman – to take a cock up the arse) particularly given that it’s not perceived to be something that women get off on too (though polls on cliterati.co.uk found a third of women get off on the idea of watching men together and anecdotal evidence would suggest it may be even more common than that) As such, men are more scared to admit that they have sexual thoughts about other men on occasion (though I – and many women I know – find it hot when a bloke admits that he’s had same sex experiences)

That said, I don’t think that bisexuality – whether for men or women - *is* socially and politically acceptable in the mainstream. There are still comments like ‘make your mind up’ or suspicions that someone who’s bisexual must automatically be unable to hold down a monogamous relationship because they’ll be craving the gender they’re not dating. Lovely as it would be if all sexualities were accepted, we’ve still got a long way to go.

BTTS: Books wise, what other writers influence you/turn you on/admire? Have any favourite erotica?

ED: I’m a huge reading fan: favourites include Douglas Adams, Mil Millington, Jasper Fforde, Neil Gaiman, Paulo Coelho, Jon Ronson, Philip Kerr and Olivia Goldsmith – everything from sci-fi to humour to magic realism to non-fiction to chick lit. I wouldn’t say they influence me, other than inspiring me to keep on writing in the hope of getting something down on paper that’s even remotely up to their levels.

Erotica-wise, Lofting by Alma Marceau is a fabulous book. Emily Maguire writes beautifully, though her stuff is more about wonderful use of language than arousal for me. Nicholson Baker is brilliant. Anais Nin is a classic, as is Pauline Reage (Story of O) but nowadays I find reading erotica more interesting than arousing because I have to read so much of it for work. My biggest inspiration has definitely been Nancy Friday - her fantastic studies into female sexual fantasy kick-started my own studies back when I was a student, and without her, I doubt I’d be doing what I am today. Everyone should own a copy of My Secret Garden (and indeed all her books).

Emily's Website

Scarlet Magazine

Cliterati